believe me good will come

• Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs Rhymenoceros:

 

• Late night TV won’t be as funny when George W. Bush when is replaced by a [more] competent President in 2008. One of Letternman’s ‘Great Moments in Presidential Speeches’:

• Letterman makes fun of Schwarzenegger:

• Flight of the Conchords – Albi the Racist Dragon:

• Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra plays Hey Ya by Outkast:

• Spiders on drugs:

• The saddest music video ever:

• MuteMath perform Typical on Jimmy Kimmel Live (I like watching the little singer guy jumping around in the last 50 seconds):

• Wikipedia can be funny. This is from the entry for Coldplay (read it fast, before someone fixes it):

Despite Coldplay’s large worldwide popularity, the band have remained protective of how their music is used in the media, refusing its use for product endorsements. In the past, Coldplay turned down multi-million dollar contracts from Gatorade, Diet Coke, and Gap, who wanted to use the songs “Yellow”, “Trouble”, and “Don’t Panic” respectively. According to Martin, “We wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if we sold the songs’ meanings like that.”[12] However, he is more than happy to sell his prepackaged teen depression lite to impressionable people the world over without an ounce of guilt. There are no appropriate quotes to suggest how well he sleeps at night.

A weighing machine that told a woman to “get off fat pig” has been removed from a busy Australian shopping centre. Management of the Greensborough Plaza in Melbourne pulled the plug after customers complained about offensive comments on printouts.
“A preliminary audit indicated someone had tampered with the machine and altered its usual messages such as Happy Christmas and Happy New Year,” the management said. – The Evening Post, 5/12/01, B2.

An Austrian woman who wanted to make heroes of her two sons after they joined the village fire brigade went on an arson spree, alerting them by telephone so they could be first on the scene. The men’s suspicions were raised after she was the first person to spot nine fires in a month. She confessed when the pair confronted her. The woman told the Kronen Zeitung newspaper: “I was so proud that my two boys had joined the fire brigade that I wanted to make them heroes. The sound of the fire engines was music to my ears, knowing that my sons were out there helping to save their community.” – The Dominion, 9/3/02, 29.

A French court convicted a mother of two of premeditated armed violence after she tried out her new teargas canister on an innocent shopper to see if it worked, police said yesterday. Disguised in dark glasses and a hat, the unnamed 35-year-old sprayed a woman shopper who had just returned to her car in a supermarket carpark. Unimpressed by the defendant’s plea that she had merely wanted to try out the device, the court in the northeast town of Saverne gave her a four-month suspended sentence. – The Evening Post, 6/4/02, B8.

“I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad.”

“There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!”

“They are nowhere near the airport. They are lost in the desert…They can not read a compass - they are retarded.”

“They have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly.”

“We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back.”

“Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them.”

[and sometimes he told the truth:]

“I speak better English than this villain Bush.”

“I think they will not win, those bastards.”

“Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can’t understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.”

We love the Iraqi Information Minister

- A motorist who drove for several kilometres on the wrong side of State Highway 1 with his lights off told police he was an amateur astronomer and was searching for a black hole, Wellington District Court was told yesterday.

- A Milwaukee high school student, 17, posed as an elementary school teacher for a week before the fraud was detected.

- A California activist who embarked on a trans-Pacific sailing adventure dedicated to saving whales called off the attempt on Saturday after his boat ran into one of them.

- Firefighters were called to ventilate the basement of the Wellington police station at 5:40pm yesterday after a prisoner set fire to his socks. Police put the fire out.

- A teenager was wedged in a laundry chute at his Auckland home for over monkey hours yesterday until firefighters rescued him. The 17-year-old was discovered stuck feet first down the chute in a linen cupboard of the two-storey Titirangi house after a neighbour heard his calls for help. Titirangi fire station officer Terry Batt said the youth became trapped at 8am after his parents went to work. “He was quite a large lad and his body filled the whole cross-section of the chute.” Mr Batt said the youth was not able to explain why he was in the chute.

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her and says, “Single, huh?”

The girl sarcastically replies, “How’d you guess?”

He says, “Because you’re ugly.”

I first saw these a year ago, but still find them amusing:

George W. Bush sings Imagine/Walk on the Wildside

George W. Bush sings Sunday Bloody Sunday

    

Q: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
A: That’s the least of your problems. You’ve got AIDS.

Q: What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
A: The Holocaust.

 
Q: How do you stop a rhino from charging?
A: Shoot it several times with a large calibre weapon.  Alternately, if keeping the rhino alive is important, use a tranquilizer gun.
 
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It seems unlikely the chicken’s action was spurred by any particular motivation as the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities.
 
Q: What’s the difference between a chicken and the Kyoto Protocol?
A: One is a domestic fowl; the other is an international convention on climate change.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.
 
Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Q: What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
A: A dangerous drug interaction that can result in liver failure, so consult your doctor.  

I was sitting next to a man with jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so I turned to him and said “Are you a trifle deaf?” and he said “No, I’m mentally ill”. 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly a rabbit leaps out from behind a bush and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass, and then wanders off.
 
Yo mama’s so fat that she is at risk of developing serious health problems. She should really see a doctor, adjust her diet, and start an exercise program.

A: Knock Knock!
B: Who’s there?
A: The mailman, I have a package that is too large for the mailbox, and thought I’d deliver it in person.
B: Oh, how thoughtful of you. Thank you very much.